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**Chapter I
July 1, 1989 - December 31, 1989
**
17 pages
July 1, 1989
I slept in a large double bed. As I lay down naked - the mirror showed me in bed, with its large foot board. The floor slants to the center. So it is a strange angle... it is dark... afraid to stay completely in the dark... I woke up in the middle of the night... as I look up I see me in bed. I have not moved at all. I have a beautiful feeling of peace. I feel safe and good. I dream that I am returning to the states only for a visit. As I am there - I'm afraid that I will stay home and not return... I see the Jordan children.
July 3, 1989
As I was walking out, I began to talk to an Egyptian guy who is visiting here. I showed him my work... we had a very good connection, he is a positive, straight forward person... we talked for a while, it was very good. I guess I am attracted to him. His energy is something I like very much.
July 4, 1989
We hung out and ate a little. Adel and I played backgammon. It's fun to play again... I won 3-2- next game 0-2 so far! I am here by myself traveling - I am very comfortable w/myself and being here. I see so many images.
July 5, 1989
I pulled 2 cards for today... The first two cards that Ginny and I talked about the first time I did tarot... The 5 of pentacles and the 10 of cups. I feel that this is more than coincidence... my friend is suffering, but... there is hope. There will be trouble. I... look at happiness again. This is also my friendship with Adel - it seems there is something about him that is special and different than other Egyptians... I feel our friendship will last... after swimming... we talked about stuff... For a while we played soccer. I was learning about their culture and all. Suddenly everyone stood up. The only policeman... and 6 soldiers w/guns walked into the courtyard. Adel and Walid were scared... We had to show our passports. G? and I. The policeman asked if we were being harassed. Of course not I told him - Adel and Walid are our friends... I felt odd and nice that feel that they are our friends. They took Adel and Walid to the police station... The policeman is crazy... has an ego problem...
But I ended up making a mess of the whole thing. It was pretty bad. I feel as if I had fouled... I feel uncomfortable with myself - having these H.S. feeling and actions - shyness about Adel.
July 8, 1989
Idel is standing up in the back of the truck, Gudron and I began doing this also. I am a child of air. I knew Adel was too! Ishta! still is! I think that I liked Idel so much - I was afraid to have contact with him so I played w/ Walid b/c I wasn't embarrassed with him. I am silly... the rest of the day I semi-avoided Walid. The bus is here. Idel asks if I want to go with him. Of course I do!... It is exciting!.. Idel and I get on the bus - the last 2 seats... I am a little nervous... He invites me to his home for a shower and to call Mohommed... His father has idea about the 2 of us... I feel that I am invading his space - I tell him - and he lets me know that it is good that I feel that way - I respect his place... I make him dinner - it is good! I am happy that he knows that I can cook... I could step out of myself and see how strange it is - me from the States, traveling by myself, hanging out in a disco with Egyptians. Idel and I sleep on the couch. He played the guitar - I fell asleep to it - Ishta!... I made "frog in the ponds" for the family... We went to Suzi's house. We ate cake... Idel and I finished our backgammon match - he beat me - my concentration was not on b-g - but on him. He is very charming... I told him that I wanted him to travel with me. Ishta!
July 9, 89
I left the peaceful fun of Farafara yesterday. But I went to Cairo with Adel...last night I had many complex dreams...I am at Adel's house, sleeping in his brother's bed. I am with many people...I am leading this group...I feel like I shouldn't...we have a book of Van Gogh...I am talking how beautiful it is...we recognize many of the places, we have seen them all...the last is a sketch-which Van Gogh never finished before his death, this is where we are looking now...My heart feels sadness that he is dead...a man and a woman have lost their only child...I am afraid. I was the last to see him. They are devastated...I am worried b/c I do not know what to tell them...My focus is on Idel now...going on a bus together...Adel begins to become very soft and tender. I am amazed. He asks if he got a hotel room, if I would come with him- I am embarrassed. I play cool, and in a flirting way. Of course I would. He begins to slightly kiss me and be very affectionate. I am loving it...But now I feel much better about my feelings for him. ...everyone has a slight fear death...a few other images too. seeing an almost full moon setting. I feel happy to see the moon-b/c I have been watching it so much...I love the moon. Also-me, Idel, Walid and friend are running out my front door, we are having fun...what does all this mean? I feel bad that I have forgotten the plan. But also I am happy that I am spending time with Adel. So maybe there is a good reason that I forgot. I think so...I am focusing on Adel. Now this is how I am. I am not being very responsible b/c of my desires. (this is so funny)...My past seems so different...It is so kind of Idel to take me into his house like this.
July 12, 89
...wanting to take our great voyage into the beautiful red sea...Yesterday I woke up early...I left the house, after waking Adel up...I know I'll see him again, Inshalla.
COMMENTS
Jessica David-Grade 2: Thanks for coming to our school.
Schuyler Beckwith-Grade 2: I hope you had a very good recovery.
Elizabeth P.-I like you and your paintings. They are really cool. The 11 X11 tree is my favorite!
I like you and your paintings Teka F.-grade 6
Everything is really neat-Sara A. P.S. I wrote that the middle painting in the back is my favorite!
Ciao Bella!
Oh Bittin - this is an amazing thing you have done. You are an amazing person. I am so glad to have known you through the years! You have such a strong spirit. Thank you for sharing so much and touching those around you so deeply.
Karen 12.21
I don't know you, I'm just a casual visitor-
This is too much and too long for me to absorb.
Well worth doing but know its a private showing
Oh, well. The paintings fine-not great, but fine-
But you push your prose ???? stronger images
Also-why not write on this beautiful paper
It would give it an integrity, or archival, even medieval quality. This white paper is too cheap and it'll crumble soon enuf.....
-The mysterious stranger 12.21
July 14, 1989
July 16, 1989
... I had intense dreams - but... only an image. I think of Idel. I wonder what it is about him that makes me feel so much for him. I sometimes feel that I will never see him again. I am afraid of that. I like him very much. Even just as a friend - but why do we have there stronger feelings that we will miss each other. If I don't see him again, I will always wonder what would of and could of happened b/w us. Oh well. There is something - the way he talked about buying land in the Western Desert. And that we will travel together someday. I guess this is just his way. I don't know. I'll find out soon enough!
July 17, 1989
I am back in Cairo, once again, I wonder why I am here. I know why. And it may be silly. I wanted to see if Idel was still here. Yes he is... I want to see him. I'm sure he knows that I have feelings for him, and he is probably playing on this... I can only be honest and straight forward to what I feel and want. I'd like to drive w/him to the Sinai... I feel that I am at his mercy. I guess I am... I will have to wait and see what happens when I see him. I want to go with them to ???, ...I'd like to sleep at his house tonight... I'll see. Nobody knows where the traveler goes (thanks Idel). What is it about him? Ugh! I'd like to see him again and find out.
August 10, 1989
I am back in Ohio now. Big Change. Suzy, Idel, Magda, and I got in a big car accident on our way to Sinai, So we got a little delayed. It's nice to be home. I'm not really ready to deal but I guess I have to, Oh well. It's hard to write - or least focus on it. A lot have gone one (on) in the last 3 weeks for one thing Idel dies in our accident. I don't really remember it - or anything about the accident. It all happened very quickly I guess. I was unconscious for the first few days afterwards. It wasn't until K? & S? came to the hospital that I came to. It's strange to write about it all. it all seems so far away... I have big problems I guess. My back hurts - So I should move I think... My brain forgets a lot now - I guess I hit my head in the car. we rolled all over - & Suzy, Idel & I flew out of it & we hit the pavement and sand. I guess this is how Idel died - he hit his head on the pavement. It's so sad that he had to die so soon, especially in such a bad way. A car accident where we should have not hit anything. I don't think so - it's hard to take, especially b/c I came out of it O.K. My brain is hit - but I can still live I can make choices about everything it seems - I miss Idel I wish he is still alive... we are lucky that I am O.K. - I think.
COMMENTS
Oh Bella Pittura!! L'amo molto! Existe une sorte de enthiosmo. Brava Bella! E molto molto interresante!
(Sarah era qui)
The poet W.B. Yeats wrote of love-true love addresses "the pilgrim soul in you...the sorrows of your changing face." The pilgrim soul in YOU -went to Europe, went to Egypt-experienced love and loss. Your soul is the sort that invites love. It will always be broader, deeper, more inclusive and more reciprocal-from because of the story you tell herein. I am so happy to have this art of feeling in our art center.
Carol Dickinson
August 11, 199?
...I talked to Ginny on the phone. it was a nice change. she helped me w/ accepting this as a big change in my future, & my outlook on life... she opened me on some things that I had been closed to earlier. which is good. Today we got some tennis shoes & sunglasses - I'm sure that I am influenced by Idel in Ciaro to get what I did. Stan Smiths & little sun glasses. Kay supported me with whatever I decided to. It's nice. She must be tired of supporting me so much... it is good to write again - of course - I don't really know how I should be writing - I think I can see it all... I think. I still have a lot to process about the accident & who & how we got hurt. I don't really understand what happened & how... My brain is gone now. I can't remember much now. maybe in a bit... When we meet in the hospital, Asherif came, Amel, what's his name from Walid. That's his name. I'd like to see him again. I guess I wasn't-O.K. from the accident b/c my head was all hit. I could have had a hard time learning forever. I feel lucky that I am alive & well & healthy
Aug. 13, 89
I feel confused with all that has happened, but I feel good. I feel like my brain is gaining more control with time. And every day it will get better, which is good. I think to how I used to be-it was so bad, especially (especially) compared to now-it' s amazing.
Aug. 20, 89
Today I feel many thoughts coming through! I think a lot of Idel. I guess the second word I said coming too(to) was Idel, after freedom. I more begin to remember many things he said he wanted to do in the future. I feel sooo bad that he will never do as he thought. I think so much but it is difficult and time consuming to write it all I guess this is my level of patience going down, It is all so strange. this whole accident, and all of the aftermath. I feel like a stranger being at home & all. I remember it all, but it doesn't feel the way it use to. I feel like my life has been flipped around. It's so strange to be home again with my parents...I feel very distant from many thing here. I don't know if this will be happening to me always? I hope not...I remember the way I was traveling and the good feelings I had...Much of this is intensified b/c of my accident. What do I want...I also had many visions of Adel & I being together in the future. I thought it would be fun to have an Egyptian husband. Maybe I won't be able to deal w/ Petra and Mark till I really accept & believe that Adel is dead. I care very much for him, but now nothing will ever happen of our plans. I have to accept that. It's hard to think of an American, I feel this is limiting on me and on him.
Aug. 23, 89
I called Gene today. it was good to talk to him. it helped me to realize the change in my life-big change. I miss Florence & all that happened there- I a trying to figure out my person now. It's hard. the way my mind works is so different. I try to figure it out, but I loose (lose) concentration & focus. I analyze everything that people say. I can't understand how they are relating to the situation. I am at a level where reality is only fro my personal point. I'm like a child. I don't have patience for others. All that has happened to me is such the center of my focus. I think of it and relate anything to it. It is hard for me to get out and be objective of a view of attitude. This personal level is at a primal state, It's or I'm frustrating many times. My tolerance level is very low. I am very agitated & with situations or with people. I am still going through the growing up. I am at this level now. I am aware of how it feels to be like this after knowing being an adult...I may never be as I was
This is hard, I liked myself very much. It will just take time until I will be at a workable mental state. This is hard... patience. It's strange to be O.K., but not.
How can I take advantage of the level that I am on?...I am very weak now. I need love and support...This morning my frustration & fears almost lead me to tears. When I was asking my speech therapist ?'s, I almost lost it. I find myself hiding in so much, so I don't cry. I am afraid to.
Aug. 22, 89
I've not been so afraid for a long time. it's the physical pain & the mental pain & the feeling of sadness & loss to such a degree-I am in the United States. I'm not really ready for it. I am dealing with culture shock without the mental awareness as normal so I am completely affected & engulfed in this culture & the problems. It's hard. My mind is mixed, so I don't know how to deal....I will get better day by day, but it is a long road to recover on. This is not an average thing for a twenty year old...Physically I am developed, but mentally I am not
Aug. 24, 89
I sit here in K & S bed. My mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts. Sometimes it's confusing...I am depressed. This is normal. There are many things I have to deal with. This is the hard part. I don't really understand what happened...My sense of reality was so much of travel & living at the moment. Now My whole peace with living has been disrupted...I have to accept the accident & know I won' t find many answers to my questions. This is easier said than done...I don't. I left Cairo very confused & bewildered-not how I want to-I guess.
I am thinking of the accident again-the way I was sitting, what may of happened. Hitting my head. the angle I hit it. I wonder if Idel was awake when we crashed. I hope he wasn't, for him. There was blood all over me, I wonder if It was mine or Idels. I have this image of him after the accident. I feel bad & sad when I think of him like that. I loose (lose) my concentration very easily. This is so different than the way I use to be-Also _ Now That I have a head injury-I will never be the same person as before. This is difficult. It's hard to accept. I liked who I was. I don't know who I am now. I am afraid to cry & sob for Adel. I am afraid of the pain. And of the desperate feeling of loss and sadness.
Yesterday louise told me that Ginny said a whole family changes with a near death experience. Sometimes I don't like to feel responsible for others changes. It's O.K. b/c....I am a victim-Sometimes I wish, selfishly, that I would have died, so I don't have to deal with all that I do. It would have been easy and I was happy & content.
I have fears of what Keichel will say about my back I feel I don't want any more bad news.
This takes time to get better. My patience is being tested. I have to wait. I had dreams last night that I remember. I have not remember dreams till before. the accident. I see Ginny Wells/I am on the CAT. Steve is in the room, He notices how agitated my feet are, as I move around.
I am feeling much more, but I am having a hard time writing it in this time. I get frustrated with the acting (?) that I take. Yuck-
Aug. 29, 89
Another day in Kay's & Steve's Bed. I have a hard time understanding what someone else is feeling. I can, but I am not too patient with Kay. I am not afraid to express it, so I do. Sometimes I wonder if I get into more trouble than I did b/c I say if I'm upset. I use to hide & agree & put up with what was going on. I have bad thoughts going through my head. I think of dying & living. I wonder why I am here. I think of killing myself, I wouldn't, but my family would have to deal. Maybe this is b/c I feel such great compassion for Idels family. It's a crazy idea. I feel very lucky for being here. It's hard to relate to all that goes on.
Sept. 1, 89
I have tons to deal w/ b/cause of how I am mentally & physically. I don't want to spend the time writing it. but I have to if I want to know it....I know in the last few days. if I want to get better I have to make a conscious effort. I have to practice. I want to read, write, draw, paint & practice at things I like. its one of the ways for me to get better. There are a bunch of lines in the back of this book. When I was in the hospital I wanted to draw. I drew a tree. I don't remember doing it. it is bad, or not evident to be a tree. I have to progress to a place that I like & know I will do well at. I want to get my hands more flexible and agile, I can't become an uncoordinated person. My visual thing is messed in my head. I can see. I don't want that to affect my art so I am less creative and workable. I want to work on it. I may have to try hard to achieve the things I could. before. If I try so hard now-then will it come back easier. Does it all come back naturally. I have to work hard at it...I want to draw now, but I am afraid. I want to satisfied with it...I have to start fresh again. I used to be an artist. I have to start fresh again. I have to build myself up. Concentration.
Sept. 5, 89
It seems like a lot I coming around to me. Mentally I feel very good Relatively...I was brought up being such a nice girl, it hard to stand up for myself...I want to write Idels family. Idel's birthday is the 28th. This will be a hard day for his family. I miss Idel very much. I wish he knew how much I cared for him. I think of him, and the time we spent and the plans we had.
Sept. 7, 89
Last night I had the first dream that makes sense & I remember....I wrote Idel's family. It was hard. I'd like to say more to them, but I want to keep it short and easy for the first letter. I do hope they write back. Idel was & is so important to me. I had thoughts of us getting together. I liked him a lot. More than friend. I think we both wanted more, but were afraid to do it. I was waiting till Sinai. He had so much to live for-so many dreams and talents I want to cry. I am afraid to feel it.
Sept. 8, 89
I am getting much better. I have to work to get better...I am different...The thoughts I had before scare me. I wanted to pull the car wheel to make us crash. I wanted to give up. My life was too hard. I wanted to completely collapse so I wouldn't have to deal with my difficulties.
Sept. 9. 89
I feel very sad today. I want to be traveling. I don't want to be recovering from my troubles. I want to go...I miss the Jordan's. I miss the kids. My whole life has changed. I now look at many things with a different attitude. I came so close to death. I don't understand the value of my life now. It seems to be the same if I were dead or alive...I feel like there is a freedom in dying from this world. I have always wanted to be free. Now I am not. My freedom has been taken from me. I can not travel any more. I want to cry. I am scared.
Sept. 13, 89
Today is hard. Two (3) days ago I let loose with my tears. I've never cried so hard in my life. It felt so good to get it out...I felt like Brooke when she cries. it was good and releasing. I was so depressed. It's unbelievable. I've never had such intense sad feelings...I want to jot down what...this depression is about. Fear, loss, being home, loss of control. Anger. No confidence, negative environment. Death, future abilities, comparison. Need support. Death does not seem so far away. I feel closer to it, not in a little way. it's not so dangerous and threatening. I've been so close to it. It does not scare me. No I think of it as a relief...what will I be like when my brain gets better and recovers...Time will tell what will happen to me
Sept. 21, 89
Katie had her baby a week ago. He is beautiful...I think of him as taking Idels spirit. I think of Idel very much. I miss him very much...I have lost a friend and a possible part of my future I always want to cry when I think of him. It's hard to accept him being gone and dead. I like to refer to him the way he is. His body is dead. I want to believe that his soul or spirit is still alive...He is so special to me. He has become even greater to me as I know he can't live anymore. I am sad now...but the depression is here...I am feeling better-these days. I am feeling closer mentally and my back is getting better...This is a challenging-the mental part. I don't know what is going to happen. I feel I will be fine and functional, but I don't know to what extent. Now I am just waiting to heal. I want to put my finger on what is happening but my mind is not working so well. This is difficult. It's very hard to have these feelings and not having the brain to make sense of them. I am all piled up with lots of challenges and I don't have the brain to make sense of it. This is very difficult.
COMMENTS
Mind over matter. Just as you've done. The mind can heal the body. But you have proved that the mind can also heal the brain. This is a much more difficult task. You have used your will to live to heal yourself. It is obvious that you have experienced great depression, and possibly you continue to. I have found that the best cure for depression is, of course, a different method of thought. This can be different for each individual, but I have found a single method that works wonderfully for me. I change my point of view to see only the plusses, no minuses. In my mind, the only way to be happy with what is around you is to be happy with yourself. TO be happy with both, you must concentrate not on the things that detract from happiness, but on the things that add to it.
I can not even begin to imagine the effects that such an experience would bring about. I hope that I, as you have shown, would have the strength to hold on to life through such a traumatic and damaging experience. You are truly a strong woman, and you have, through great mental and emotional work, taken complete responsibility for your life. Not just for what is happening IN your life, but for the very fact that you are alive. Be proud of this, and know that you are FREE.
Geneva Stair
Sept. 23, 89
I am thinking of all the work that I need to do to get better. I need to work on it all of the time...my brain is feeling better these last few days. It's very nice to feel the difference. Maybe I am coming out of this depression. Maybe I am getting better, my brain is healing. There are many things I want to do, but when I remember, I don't write it down, then I forget. I have to begin compensating for these problems or these changes.
Sept. 28, 89
I called Adels family 2 days ago. It was great to hear his fathers voice. I miss them. Mr. A has been counting the days since Adel died. He says in God's will. He is amazing. I cried after I talked to him. It brought back so many feelings. I am getting over this depression. It's good be almost done with it. I had a dream last night...Aaron and I are talking about our difficulties...we have a course set up. We don't know how the last part will work, we want to test the 1st part. B/C Aaron is having motor problems-he does it...he crashes at the top. We all scream. He falls off the balcony. This scares me. He's bleeding all over...all he wants is to lye (lie) down. He does. He bleeds. then it slowly stops. He is O.K...I am confused. we are both O.K.-I wonder what this dream means.
I get sad when I think of Idel. He was the Ideal person for me. Being with him got me excited to marry a non "American"...now I have lost many of my dreams. I want to cry...I had such dreams for Idel & I It's very difficult that I can never fulfill them. That he doesn't know. Many dreams have to change. I guess this goes to show that I shouldn't live by my dreams or ideals. It seemed O.K. then, but such an accident can happen anytime. So I can't take advantage of the time, b/c sometimes time is all it takes. This is tragic. Its tragic that Idel died. I miss him.
Oct. 3, 89
So much has happened to me. I want to start putting life back together. I feel Its been taken apart. I don't know where to begin. There is so much! I still think of Idel a lot. It hurts. I do, did love him...I wonder what Idel thought of me. I think he did like me...when I was leaving to dive in the red sea, He said He would miss me. that meant a lot to me. I wanted to kiss him then. I haven (have) never in my life felt so much pain and loss. From all that has happened to me. loosing (losing) Idel has been the hardest on me for the present and the future. The loss of finishing traveling in Israel-I can do that some other time. Being home- I have adjusted to that...My parents- I have to work with them as I have always had to. My brain injury deficits-I am adapting to it all. Its one thing to challenge me more. it is my life now. I can and will grow with it. My back is fine...my brain injury seems trivial to the loss of Idel. Idel was so important to me then. Still is-in a different way. Every thing else I can work with, with time. But since Idel is dead, I can't work with him at all. This is very difficult. I miss him. I don't believe in God or Heaven. I wonder where Idels soul or spirit is. what form it is. what has happened to Idel? It he is in heaven-Then I send my love to him up there. He is beautiful. He always will be.
Oct. 7, 89
I pulled my Tarot cards for the first time since I have been home. I've asked what will be of my life after all of this change and head & body injury. I am represented by the page of cups. I am covered by a reverse Tower. (The influences that are affecting me). Misery, distress, indigence, adversity, calamity, disgrace, deception, ruin. particular-unforeseen catastrophe - reversed same to a lesser degree, also oppression, imprisonment, tyranny. The accident and Idels death are what will affect me in my life. The accident had changed my life. The nine pentacles cross me. (the nature of the obstacles in the matter.) Prudence, safety, success, accomplishments, servitude, discernment. -The possibilities of my head injury will not be so serious. I will overcome and successfully master my problems and deficits. The revised queen of cups crown me. (my ideal with what will happen, the best I can achieve under my circumstances) I am extremely frustrated and depressed. I feel I will loose (lose) all of my composure. Dave has pissed me off. I hate these feelings. I do want to cry...Katie and I talked of Idel-maybe giving him a "memorial service" to make it final.. that got me down-talking of all that. I feel so bad. I think I will go for a walk-so I can cry and feel like I want to. I feel caught here...why has Dave upset me so. He said a shitty remark about babying me...that hurt me...I went for my walk. I cried most of the way. This crying I do I just sheer tears I do have feelings with it, but they don't seem to be the only reason why I am crying. I am crying to cry to release the sadness, fears, loss and all that I feel. I ask for help tonight from my dreams-help me to understand why I feel what I feel.
Oct. 10, 89
I go to Keichel tomorrow too. Hopefully I am finished with my fracture. Maybe and hopefully this will be a good break and finish of my depression. I should go to sleep-
COMMENTS
Bittin,
Your heart soul and spirit shine through this piece. You have poured yourself out and reformed. It is powerful and affecting and beautifully executed. Honest, self-revealing and strong striving struggle success.
You ARE the artist of your life AND a fine artist!
I love you,
Judith Gass
(12.91)
Joyfulness.
Gratefulness.
Thanks for this renewed perspective which I was ready to hear today.
Love,
Russell
(4.93)
Oct. 12, 89
... I'm taking a break from all that I am doing in Ohio. It's great! I was getting depressed with my therapy and my results with my head injury....It was interesting to talk to someone new and different about my accident and change.
Oct. 14, 89
Days keep going by. It's strange-so much has happened to me. I have lost my concept of time...I am realizing many things. I was almost too hard nosed about my life. So extreme about my ways. I realize I am young. I do not want to be so hard. I want to enjoy life for what it is.
Oct. 16, 89
...I am at M.V. today. I was just in Aunt J. class. It was O.K. I went to P.T. today for the first time. I liked it. It was good to begin this physical healing process and having control over it. I am feeling good, almost like a new person in a way. I feel much more alive and with it...This brace had a bigger affect on me than I thought. Now that it is off, I feel very good...Aaron is walking to his mother's car. He cannot fully walk the same way he used to. I am lucky I am physical able. There are many things I want to do.......I need that to help me remember.
Oct. 23, 89
...I'm OK. I lost the crystal Steve gave me 2 day ago, but last night Kay found it. I was so very happy. I felt like a failure when I lost it. The day was so horrible. Everything got me down. Idels death....the crystal, my head and my new life now....how do I feel about myself. God when I am put down, and bad when I am not. I switch so dramatically with so many things up and down.
Oct. 25, 89
I showed KT my photos that Trudi gave me. I didn't like it. She was so into her own story. I was wanting more attention on me for the way the trip was for me...Kay...doesn't think my clothes are nice enough....I felt good with her. She became so much more my mother. It was really nice. We never had that time when I was younger and I needed it.
I felt like a failure. I was so mad at the state I was in. The state I am in. I have been doing really good lately. I have done a good job at living a happy, normal life. I have not thought directly of Idel lately...I've got to let go of him. I am honest in feeling that I am not ready to let go. I have put off thinking about his memorial b/c I don't want to do it...I feel that is the last time I can have feelings for him. But its not. I just have to say bye to him forever and finalize that he is gone. I want to cry. He shouldn't have died. I always wonder what would have happened between us...he was buried when I was in a coma. I am upset that I was in such a horrible state when he was buried. I always hope that he felt no pain and I hope that he is still in that sleep we were having in the car. I had no idea what happened to me when I finally woke up. I had no idea I had been sleeping for 5 days. I remember the song he sang and played the first night I spent the night there She is climbing the stairway to heaven...If Idel is there, I hope he is happy. I miss him. I hope he knows that.
Oct. 29, 89
Another day has gone by. Yesterday was horrible. I was missing Idel, wishing that he could come to America and see it with me. My back hurt so bad, the worst since I got my brace off. I was so mad and frustrated....I also wore my brace for dinner. That was frustrating. I haven't used it in that way since I got my brace off. Both of those things got to me.
I just talked to KT. I cried when I got off of the phone...She said now that I am fine I should be able to take jokes, and when I was "sick" my whole family had to be careful what they said. Well they think I am fine b/c Clark doesn't want to see me anymore. Well I am still going through the change of my entire life...I get upset when my family treats me like I am normal, like I have no problems from the accident. Yes, I do want to be treated normal and not babied. There is a difference b/w these kinds of normals. My emotions and feelings have been messed with. This is going to have to come back slowly. I can't act like none of this has happened to me. I've got a lot to work through. My family has a difficult time understanding the changes I am going through. They sort of know, but not completely...They have been doing the best they can to help me get through this...I have built a wall around me, protecting me from my family...I may be more over sensitive than I was before.
Oct. 30, 89
Another day...right now I am only aware of the hardness...Yesterday...She said that they used to have to worry what they said to me. But "now that I am fine, they don't have to worry so much." that pissed me off...I feel that I have missed out on something from my childhood. that lend me to believe that K & S loved the other kids more than me. That they did not care enough about me to love me...I do know they love me for who I am. I am having a difficult time forgetting my feelings...I will not get the "special attention" I have been receiving...I have been receiving something that I feel I have not gotten in my life...my childhood fears...this is something I am going to have to get through. I am scared...I am confused...I want to conquer it and feel good about where I am going, with this almost new life of mine.
Oct. 31, 89
It helped sleeping...I had a great dream...Heather and a friend have come up from Africa...Cindi Lehman are here too. They don't acknowledge that I look or am different...The moon passes by my window, it is full, huge, and orange. I am so happy, it reminds me of the great time I had with Idel in Egypt...No matter Heather has traveled all of this way to come see me...Steve will always be Steve. He loves me so much. Steve will always be Steve. He can never be that tender man I want him to be. B/C I am too often in that position for him to be like that. He was that way when I came out of the coma and a few weeks after. I loved it...I have seen how Steve can outwardly express his emotions. I have seen how he doe love me. Now that time has passed, and back to Steve helping me to be independent...After all of this I do know that they love me very much. That's all that matters. They do love me. I've got to trust them...I do feel good. I'm on my way.
Nov. 7, 89
...Yesterday was probably the first full day of happiness for the last 3 1/2 months. It was great. There is something about being depressed or sad that I like. Maybe its the difference of emotions...I will be more versatile in my feelings... I am scared. Whatever happens, happens. Today I actually felt like I wanted to live. I've never felt that this way before. It was good, but I also like these bad feelings. I do have. That's strange. I like being on the edge of wanting to die and wanting to live. I am sure I will come around to wanting to live again. I will come around to a full life soon enough. I am physically getting better Its exciting to see improvement. Its incredible to think how far I have come since I have come out of my coma.
Nov. 17, 89
...Last night I completely broke down. I needed comforting. I cried and cried. Finally I got the guts to ask Kay to come upstairs. It helped. There are so many things that I am anxious about...I can only deal with something as is. I can now only deal with Philadelphia. The rest is anxiety that I don't need. I've got to take one day at a time. This is difficult as my whole life for the future has changed. But its like learning to live again. This time I have a little more control over it...I also must and want to trust myself. I must trust myself somewhere deep inside b/c I am doing this with Trudi. But in acting ways I don't trust myself. If I know I have it deep inside, then I should be able to get it on my everyday living...this is so difficult. I think b/c of my head. Life is so completely different in my eyes now. It is hard making the transition...I am so pissed off where I am...Its nothing personal that someone has against me, it just happened...when people talk with me...They associate my problems
COMMENTS
This is curious because it's like the odyssey of a brain in loose cannon mode, but it's so completely dominated by "I's" that it loses most of its universality. I like Seven Women best. Where does recovery leave off and narcissism begin?
another injured party
(4.6.93)
Nov. 17, 89
They associate my problems with themselves or people, saying its normal. I hate that sometimes, all times. I always feel that this is different b/c of my head. So my experiences can't be related or compared to most people...I want to talk to someone else with a head injury. Maybe I should...realize these fears and problems I am having are normal. They are now for me. but I have 21 yrs. to compare them to...I have to accept this change in my life...whatever happens, happens.
I must stop being so judgmental...I put a label ...on them. Each person in this world is different...There is certain beauty to that...Each person, in his own reality, finds some beauty in life...I have to work with and accept the fact that I have changed...
I buried Idel on Sunday. It was a beautiful full moon. I did it out under the crab tree...I use (used) to go there when I was younger, when I wanted time to myself & I wanted to be outside...As I dug the hole and put items in, I said the importance of why I was putting these things in. I felt good and safe just talking to him. I read what I wrote a while ago. I liked talking better, but it was good to read that. I was sad. It helped a lot to bury him...It was hard letting go of him. It's amazing how my burial helps me deal with his death and believe he is dead. I never saw that he was gone...It helped getting rid of his things
COMMENTS
3/94
Bittin,
I first knew you as a 14 year old-young, fun, funny and the kindest heart of anyone I've ever known.
Whatever the accident created, that kind heart remained...only now surrounded by a deeper soul, understanding and wisdom.
Always be well,
Love, Snyde
Nov. 17, 89
I feel better now that I have done this. Something deep inside of me let him go. So much of me wanted him to still be here. He is gone. I will always remember him. And hopefully my life will be a little fuller living some part of him.
Nov. 18, 89
I am with Trudi...I am happy and rested...I had lots of dreams, The only one I remember. I walked into a bathroom...I tell her to get out. She leave...this shows me how I am now. Not afraid of people and things, saying things...I have to continue to tell people if I am angry or agitated this shows me that I do have the courage and trust in myself to meet other people and interact "normally." People like me and ???? are interested in me. It is a very positive dream. I (It) gives me hope & comfort that I am alright and acceptable.
Being here with Trudi is interesting. She sees no difference in me...I intensify the change b/c I am in the middle of it...This is making me realize that I am not so strange or different...This may be an experience in my life that only me and my family will be able to relate to...this is something that I have to cherish for my own, as I did w/ some of my alone traveling. This is mine and only mine. friends can learn more about me knowing what I've been though, but they will never fully understand...this is good actually.
Nov. 18, 89
I've got to make this quality for myself. I feel good and almost happy...I am afraid to be happy...Live life for the moment. Make the most of each event and experience...The thing that is hard is feeling good about myself. I will, I want to, Time will tell.
Nov. 19, 89
Its been 4 months since yesterday since our accident. I do feel much better about Adel being dead. I don't like it...I am beginning to go through the transition of being a "normal" person. No one can tell I have a head injury. Only I can...I want to begin living a "normal" functional life...it will take a while. But I will do it. I know now, that I will look back on this time and BE amazed of my life attitudes. I can feel myself slowly coming out of it. ...It will take time and energy. Doesn't everything in life. Time & Energy. A thought passing through my head. I love you Adel.
Nov. 21, 89
Honesty, is this just a stage my brain is going through, will it lessen as I heal...it is just like my depression & analyzing? I want to keep these things, a part of them. Actually. I do find myself being more sensitive with analyzing & depression, maybe the same will happen w/ my honesty
Nov. 29, 89
...we went to Heather's house. It was really great. We talked all night. It was good to talk to a good friend about my life. I learned a lot about myself as we talked...When I am tired...I have difficulty speaking. If I have to use my memory-a name of a person. when I have to bring it up. It takes me awhile to get the thought to my mouth. I know what I want to say, but it takes a few seconds to come out...Its strange. It doesn't really bother me. B/C I know that It will come...When I get talking about something and I am excited. I want to talk fast. But I can't. I get lost when I do try to talk fast. I either say things strange, or I loose my thought...I want to and have to think and process slower...I have to work on it. I have to work on everything I want to get better at. It will take time...Heather...she is one of my best, good friends...I love her...Its not going to help me worry about it. So why do it.
Nov. 30, 89
...I am too tired, and its difficult for me to enjoy this. I am so on the verge of sheer anger and frustration.
Dec. 3, 89
...Magda lives there...I will find more out about Idel. It almost doesn't matter now that he is dead. But it does too. I want to know who he was and what he thought about me...I have seen a few men around who remind me so much of Idel. it makes me sad and I miss him more...since she was down I had to...take charge and take care of her. It did me good to have to take this role again. I haven't had to do it since my head. I know that natural instinct comes to me when I need it. I'm getting stronger the more we travel. I am getting more confidence, I feel more "normal"...I am beginning to accept and respect the person I am. This is the first step to getting better. I understand it, am doing it, and feel it. Dis ist quot.
Dec. 5, 89
...It helped a lot with this whole accident and change in my life...it has helped me with Idel dying. It brought back so many of the feelings of love & loss I feel. It will help me to put him someplace. Be it heaven or in the desert...I do feel that he is watching me or knowing when I think of him or talk to him. Part of him will live on forever...Us liking each other got us both into this happening. He usually sits in the front of the car. He didn't. He convinced me it would be alright to go to the Sinai with them...I guess you don't always get what you want. Many of my dreams died with him...I wonder, wonder and wonder. What is the reason we are all alive? I feel that I have a more important place and reason on this earth. That I have to give something important, as important as Adel was to me.
I've been fighting like hell. It's working. I have been challenging myself. I have been accepting myself. I have more to accept. But I am ready to accept whatever I have to...The moon has become Adel for me...Idel must be somewhere, in the wind, in the desert.
Dec. 7, 89
...I can't change anyone. I really don't want to...This trip has been very important to me. I have learned a lot about myself...To get used to this new person that I am.
Dec. 12, 89
We are done with our travels...other times I feel so helpless about going back there. Now that I feel better I think I will make it O.K. I have verbalized my emotions...I am afraid of what will happen at school. I can see myself closing down and going under...I get so confused sometimes. I hate it. I hate not knowing what is happening...I have to keep such close track of my things. B/C I can't think quickly enough to remember last minute...I used to have such good track of what was going on...It's so frustrating that I forget so much...with things like this. I will learn better. When I am down, life seems so overwhelming. Today was too much...I have never been this depressed in my life...Since I haven't done it all my life. I like being able to feel honestly overwhelmed with life...Why do I like such a horrible feeling? B/C I have never felt it before in my life.
I want to believe in something more substantial than what I do...if I had a...belief, then many of these questions could be easily answered. Why did this happen to me? What good will come form it? Why did I need to be taught these lessons? Why did Idel die? What does that mean? I can...accept what happens to the chances of the laws of nature. Why Idel died and why I am in this condition. This makes more practical sense...But harder to emotionally accept and deal with...Maybe I can paint in their studio. Time will tell...Now I feel back in the pit again. I will probably have to cry before I can feel good again.
Dec. 13, 89
I have been having many dreams lately...I feel this dream means that even though I am different, I can have fun, and I can effectively communicate...some things are so hard to. let go of...Sometimes I want to scream. I want to yell. How can I easier accept the person I am. I feel I almost lose important things to learn my lesson. Why is it always this way with me.
Dec. 23, 89
I have finished all of my therapies and doctors. It's nice...I feel depressed...its not depression but helplessness.
Dec. 31, 89
...I feel strange. I have felt strange since X-mas. I feel very spacey and not passionate about anything, or dedicated, or I don't feel committed about anything...Now I feel almost depressed, or helpless...I am pretty confused...I am scared of leaving home and all of the security it has meant for me in the last 5 months. I guess this is an issue I have to deal directly with...
I had a dream three nights ago. I had asked for one when I fell asleep...I am in a classroom...mine was all wrong...I begin to cry in my frustration...The teacher, a woman, took me step by step and helped me...this is a good dream. I will have problems, but most importantly-people will help me. I will get through.
COMMENTS
Thank you- You are a wonderful lady your recovery through your art and expression inspires me. I've had to recover too being a victim of a violent crime. I know recovery is hard work and your appreciation for every small step along the way encourages me to go forward-----Thank you!
