Workshop Feedback
This site is accessible to any browser or internet device. It will look much better in a browser that supports web standards. This message is not displayed in browsers that support web standards.
"Or world" a story of one collaborative expression of life with traumatic and acquired brain injury.
A black figure crouches in the bottom right corner, separate from the center composition. He holds himself tight - representing being afraid and embarrassed while her cries tears of sadness. The one horn symbolizes that one feels lonely, depressed and horny. The figure is detached from the other figures in the composition. A wave spill into the black hole on the left. A grey figure located deep within the hole, screams with horror, fear and anger. She is at the depths of depression and despair. Yet after one has fallen to the pits of personal darkness, the opportunity to be re-born is finally possible. The orange figure symbolically climbs from the dark cave as she reaches for support. Re-birth after trauma is essential - one must have much support and resources to create a meaningful and positive life. The red figure is attempting to pull back the tidal wave, to no avail - representing that many try to fight the natural flow of life. A black figure, wearing a DUNCE cap represents the many non-injured others who mis-judge and just 'don't get it'. It is hurtful when others talk down to a person with brain injury, yet it happens all too often. As one exists in a whirl of living after brain injury, one experiences a diverse amount of human feeling and emotions - to extreme degrees. The purple figure stands with a hole in his middle. Although he feels empty at times, he still feels so much emotion, represented by his hand touching his heart which radiates red. The other hand gesture represents feeling of being overwhelmed with a hand over his forehead. He also frowns. The head is dis-connected - representing how dis-connected one can feel from one own Self. The sun shines although, at times, it can be small and in the distance. A figure with red pants runs frantically away - representing that many attempt to run from the truth and reality of a changed life after brain injury. This is natural and possibly a necessary component of making the transition of living a satisfying life after injury. A man and woman walk holding holds as they push a baby carriage. They proceed in the direction against the tidal wave. Love and intimacy are possible after injury although it is opposite to accepted norms of living with brain injury. One may find it with self-acceptance and compassion. The baby also represents feelings of dependency, weakness and vulnerability. A lightening bolt, representing anger and rage, strikes at the foot of the green figure who holds the world in one hand. The over-burdened figure sweats blood as the weight is so overwhelming. Having a brain injury sometimes feels that one is bearing the weight of the world. A huge tidal wave engulfs the world and composition - further representing the great force that sweeps one away after injury. A wire figure desperately grasps the flowing water as he confront falling to his death. Even though, all things come full circle, if one allows it and flows with the current - the circle of death/re-birth. A seemingly backward embrace of difficult circumstance in life. A safety net is also held by the green figure - this represents the support that is needed and that one can also provide support for friends. Safety of self is an important value of life after injury. The planet earth holds further symbols which acknowledge the truths of living with brain injury. A yellow figure prays in thankfulness, appreciation and hope. He represents having faith. A grave stone stating R.I.P. (rest in peace) is geographically placed on the state on Virginia to symbolize that most members of the group ended their first life (before injury) in Virginia. A purple figure jumps rope - representing the child-like nature that emerges in most after injury. A homing buoy is painted on a continent. It was sketched to be in the ocean, but it ended up on Africa. Just an example of the confusion that can happen after brain trauma. Also this experience represents that it is O.K. - the buoy now represents that humor and the ability to laugh at oneself are essential coping strategies to life with the affects of a changed Self and abilities. What is most important is that all people have an opportunity to express themselves - freely, openly and honestly. A fabulous composition of images and symbols to portray one groups collaborative expression of living with the effects of traumatic brain injury.
May 9, 1995
June 18, 1995
Vincent Stephan Clemente
Dear Producers:
My name is Steve Clemente and I think that my story is very original and interesting. I am a 31 year old male who has a different situation. Let me begin by telling you that I was a student at Pepperdine Law School in 1991 in Malibu, California. I had only been there in the fall of 1991, I was 27, and I would have graduated and become an attorney by the time I was 30. I had moved everything I owned to Southern California. I thought after I became an attorney in Southern California, I would then meet the beautiful woman of my dreams on the beaches of California and then get married. I thought I would then double my salary of 21, 500.00 at Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation. I figured that what woman would not want to marry a rather attractive, successful, intelligent lawyer at 30.
But on 12/4/91, 6 days after my 28th birthday, 1 week before my first set of final exams, I was in a near fatal car accident on the Pacific Coast Highway at rt. 1 in Santa Monica, California. The main residual effect of my car wreck is my loss of balance, which 3 and 1/2 years later still has me in a wheelchair. But I am very mobile and I go all over Charlottesville in this wheelchair. I'm not sure how I wrecked my car, but I used to drive really fast and, if I saw 100 on my speedometer it was just another day when I thought it was really important for me to be somewhere. They told me that I got in a head-on collision which spun my car and then I was broadsided so hard that you could stand outside my car where the passenger seat was supposed to be. If a rescue squad had not been on the road only blocks away from my accident, I'm sure they would have not been there in time to cut a hole in my throat so I could breathe. I must have been wearing my seatbelt, but I had stopped breathing. If they had not given me an on-location trachiotomy I would have suffocated. I sure would like to meet and thank those individuals who definitely saved my life, but I have no idea who they are.
I was going to pick up my plane tickets for my visit to Northern Virginia for x-mas of 91. I didn't know that my driving like a big jerk would almost kill me. Luckily, I didn't die, but my coma ruined x-mas and New Year for my whole family. I am very lucky though and $11, 000.00 for my air-ambulance to go from LAX to Dulles International Airport is not alot of money for my dad. I was taken to Mount Vernon Hospital in Alexandria, Virginia where they casted me and re-casted me every day to keep my body from growing contracted forever, never to be nornal again. I had speech, occupational, and physical therapy every day for all five months I was there. I couldn't even talk for several weeks after I came out of my coma.
One minute I was on my way to get my plane ticket to Northern Virginia for x-mas of 91, and the first thing I can really remember is being brought balloons for Valentines Day in 92. Now I can even walk with a new walker I just got. I was told that unusually I was admitted to the hospital at midnight at an arousal state of 2 on a scale that goes from 1-8, when they don't usually take people of less than 5. I was scheduled to go to some nursing home in Watts, California. I understand that Watts is like the Harlem of the West Coast. I am very lucky that I come from a family where my family is a rather prominent figure in the Northern Virginia, D.C. area. My dad was told not to even bother flying out to the U.C.L.A. hospital at all because I'd be dead by the time his plane landed. Not only did my dad get on the first plane out there but I had 14 people in my I.C.U. room. I've got 4 brothers and 2 sisters who all flew out there to say "goodby".
The doctors out at U.C.L.A. told my dad that even if I did come out of my coma I would be nothing more than a mere vegetable forever and to let them use my fresh organs to save several other people in desperate need. My dad was so adamant against that idea, fortunately, that he told them they better not let me die. I am so lucky for several reasons; on 12/4/91 the cat-scan at U.C.L.A. was not working except for when they turned it on for me. I'm from a good family with the cash that was necessary to see to it that I got the best of care immediately. I was admitted to Mount Vernon Hospital only 16 days after my injury instead of being sent to a nursing home in Watts, California where my contracted muscles would have caused my bones to grow in weird directions never to be normal again if it had not been for the casting work they had done.
I was told that with a head injury I am not supposed to drink alcohol. I have never been in alcoholics anonymous since 2/9/90 after I graduated from Regis College in Denver, Colorado on 12/16/89. I went through my 2nd A.A. birthday in a coma. Now I've got over five years clean and sober, but alcohol was not my drug of choice. I have stuck with A.A. because you don't find people in N.A. with 45 years of clena and sober time. I don't know what to do but I would like to go around the country speaking to all kinds of groups and high schools to try and get people to understand that driving definitely kills, or at the very least can change your life forever.
This is now June 18, and today I went and got on a bus to go shopping on foot. I left my wheelchair at home and used my new walker that I just got. I'm doing that more and more, walking places like a few weeks ago I wen to the mall on foot to get a haircut. I don't know what to do because my car wreck did not kill me, but it sure killed my sex life. I don't know why but it seems no matter what I do, I can't find a girlfriend. I've even gotten fired from from a volunteer job at a hospital because I would ask people out to dinner all the time. I've almost gotten myself banned from a.a. meetings because I ask people out all the time. I've been told on numerous occasions that people see me coming in a wheelchair and feel sorry for me and try to be nice to me and are inclined to talk to me even though I'm a stranger. Now I'm a very outgoing individual who goes right up to strangers and tries to start talking to them, and even tries to get a phone number or a dinner date. I'm at wits end and even entertained the possibility of suicide. I'm way too scared to actually go through with that , but the idea is appearing more and more attractive.
Hi, I'm Steve, and I was sober two years when I was in a bad car accident in California on 12/4/91. I was going to a meeting every day, but I was still driving wrecklessly. I was supposed to die by the time my father flew out there and they were saying I wouldn't make it, and even if I lived I would be a vegetable forever. They wanted to pull the plug on me and since I was on a respirator to help me breathe it would have been so easy. They were trying so hard to convince my dad to let me go but he said "no way."
Now here I sit a year and a half later working really hard to bet my balance back so I can walk again, and I will. But, the greatest thing is in the fact that I was put into Mount Vernon hospital only 16 day after my injury. Only because my dad was in California and needed to get back to work here in Virginia and didn't want to leave me out there in a nursing home. I was scheduled to go to some nursing home in Watts, California cause I was in a coma. I was in a coma for three months and luckily I am a lot better now.
But , the real story is in the fact that I still have it upstairs, I think. My injury was quite severe, but I think I'm mentally normal. I was going to law school at Pepperdine in Malibu, California and I was never going to come back here but, here I am and I'm so grateful to still have it mentally, cause it could have been taken away so easily. Now at least I can still go back to law school. it may be a lot harder getting there every day, but it can still be done. I used to hate meetings on gratitude cause I would just think about how much i've lost, but now I love meetings on gratitude cause I realize how much I still have.
October 3, 1995
Dear Bittin,
This is a little story about myself:
There I was, a twenty-eight year old in my first year at Pepperdine Law School in sunny Malibu, California when all of a sudden my life and my future were drastically changed, forever. On 12/4/91 I got a severe head injury due to an automobile wreck. I went into a coma for 8-10 weeks.
I was on my way to get my plane ticket to come to northern Virginia, where my family lives, for x-mas of 91. I was home for x-mas alright, but not in the best of situations, being in a coma and all. I bet I ruined x-mas for my whole family. The most indicitive rememberance I have is that a few days before Valentines day (around 2/10/92) I was brought balloons for Valentines Day.
I was in the hospital from 12/4/91-5/16/92, a total of 5.5 months. I'm glad I slept for almost half that time.
You only have this one chance at life, so much as we know. I used to think that it didn't matter how I drove 'cause I figured if I wrecked at the speeds I routinely drove, I wouldn't be around to worry about the residual effects. Fortunately, I was so wrong. Ther is nothing so important that you need to drive like I used to, a raving maniac. If I saw 100 on my speedometer, it was just another day when it was all so damn important that I run around trying to cram a day and a half into about 18 hours.
Well, since 12/4/91 I am no longer driven by the mighty dollar. There are so many more important things in life to worry about than money. Sure, it would be nice to be super-wealthy but it is no longer my top priority. I used to be quite shallow in that all I used to care about was myself. Now, I think I'm much more diverse in that I try to think about others and try not to hurt them. Physically, I've become qutie independent, living alone, but quite dependent on both my walker/wheelchair and my computer. Intellectually, I feel as though my physical limitations are what makes me read slow and slows my speech. I feel as though I still think the same as I did before. Mentally, I feel as though I've grown up quite a bit, and what once was all so important before is now rather trivialized. Spiritually, I've become alot closer to God and go to church every Sunday.
everything is a lot different now. I still dream about finding that beautiful woman on the California Beaches. But, I have to be rather realistic and realize that I don't have much to offer anymore. I thought that after I had a law degree, I would be able to afford a wife, and maybe a child or two. But now, I'm not a successful attorney with a great career annd a credit to society. I feel as though I don't really contribute to society but rather live off of it. But, I still hope that one day I'll be a successful attorney and meet that wonderful woman.
snapped away so easily that you've got to appreciate each and every day that you are above ground.September 27, 1995
I would like to take this time to express my deep gratitude to God for allowing me to maintain my high intelligence, even though my head injury was quite severe. Fortunately, the most prominently noticeable result of my head injury, along with my slow speech, is my lack of "normal' balance and my inability to control my fine motor skills in my right hand.
However, I have always had the dream of becoming an attorney. That is why I shipped everything I owned out to the warehouse at Pepperdine University in Malibu. I had started at the law school out there and I just drove out there with trust in the Lord that He would provide me with a residence and a roommate.
Everything was going fine and I was doing well until 12/4/91 when I had a near fatal automobile accident. Now I would like to return to Pepperdine law school in the future, and in the meantime I would like to again start a career in the financial industry.
In addressing the list of requirements that you have laid out for me to address before you will consider re-opening my case I would like you to take them one by one.
You said,
You said "You control when you can return to DRS...You are the only one who can make the changes necessary for you to be successful in employment." Now I appeal to you to tell me what is my next step.
I am certain that with appropriate accommodations, I would not only be successful in las school but I would excel at it. Consequently, I would like for DRS to reopen my case with the vocational goal of becoming an attorney and providing financial assistance so that I can attend law school.
Thank you for your consideration of this matter. I would appreciate your written response to this request by October 31, 1995.
Sincerely,
I prayed that God would help me separate truth from fiction. I asked to be shown what is true. What is real. What is pure.
This was a brave prayer. Far braver than me. A prayer formed in ignorant innocence. "Be careful what you ask for," said wise crones with spindly figners bedazzled with gemstones, "you might get it." "Psshaw" I would hiss. You are old and have forgotten what it is like to be young and questioning.
I was driving on the road after the snow cleared. The snow was cleared from parts of the road by tie tracks. I suddenly became aware of the surrounding lakes in the neighborhood. The snow transformed them from sparkling sites of minute adventures with the boys, the rock throwing, duck feeding, fish finding adventures to cold, cavernous sites of danger. "What if I drive my car over the bridge into the lake? It's going to happen." I gasped! Oh, evil thought-go away. I forgot about this.
Having stayed snow-bound for days, I was eager to get out. I went to the small country church where I had my reading room. The sermon was about a homeless woman who was my age. She had lost everything, was a Christian, was living out of her car, but the battery went dead. It needed repairs. I thought about the snow. The woman. Her age. Her not having food. Her bravery. Her courage to ask for help. She was on my heart.
As I walked up and knelt for communion, I prayed for the woman. I prayed for myself, for protection.
I later became that woman, on that very day.
After church, I went to my favorite restaurant and got a crab cake sandwich, a small salad, and a cherry pie. I got a Sunday paper, and went home.
I was feeling very grateful, very happy and at one with the universe. I sat surrounded by my plants, my kitty at my side, ate my lunch, and read the paper. I thought some more about the young homeless lady without a job, without a home. I started to count my blessings.
I didn't want to go to my second job that day. I dreaded it. I was worried about the roads. I called my boss and he encouraged me to come in. I decided to go to work. Little did I know I would become that homeless lady, without a car, without a home, without a job-except, I would have something additional-a head injury.
I would now have less than her. She would still have her health. I would not. She would still have her hair, I would not. And she did not pray to know the difference between what was truth and what was falsehood. I do not know what she prayed for.
A few weeks from my accident, I found myself in the emergency room at Georgetown on a flat gurney surrounded by doctors. One of the doctors asked about my vision "acurity". It was important that we communicate. I said, "Acuity?" A smug, ugly doctor laughed. The doctor who mispronounced the word siad, "It's okay. It's important that we communicate."
This was the beginning of my discovery of learning to separate truth from falsehood, good from evil, right from wrong. Later, the smug, ugly doctor would press down on my staples in my head as hard as he could in front of a group of students. He was quite surprised when I hit him. " I may be sick," I thought, " but I'm not dead-and you cannot , will not have my dignity." The kind doctor, who mispronounced a word, would later cancel a trip to Europe to save my life one more time. Slowly, I was learning. Beauty from bunk.
PAIN
I cry so deep with sadness,
I hear the echo of my heart.
Inner tears, so hardened with pain-they will not flow
for they are afraid to weep,
as I fear they will sweep me into a river on non-existance, never to be again.
DON'T THINK
Don't think that others don't hurt when you call them names and laugh
Don't think that they don't cry deep down in their souls
Don't think that they don't want to walk normal
or to speak without a gliche
But don't think that I envy the shoes that you walk in..
Because don't think that I want to be inhumane
To another living soul
I AM
Do not look for the old me
you will not find her
for I am not anymore
I am emerging
I am
and I will be
whatever it is I am
Today, I am
Tomorrow I will be
for I am emerging
SUBMERGED
From depths I never knew existed...
submerged by lifes fate that destined upon me...
from sadness I emerge ever so gently
pinned beneath my pain
boulders that seemed impossible to climb
seas that swallowed me up with grief
I could not see ahead
I could not see behind
for it was now I did not want to see
blinded by the moment
paralyzed by the thought
I know I must emerge...
I know I must emerge...
Judith Deborah Connell
Head injured: June 6, 1990
My name is Myra Finister. On December 26, 1974, I took my very first motorcycle ride. The first time resulted in a very severe one for me. I was thrown off, 50 feet in the air and slammed into Highway Posters that broke my left tibia, right femor, right humerous, and jaw into multiple fractures. But the worse injury that I was left with was the head trauma which I spent at least 45 days comatose and at least 6 months with Amnesia.
I lost my three children and husband, all of which I gained a few years after my accident. My marriage should never have taken place. But since it did, and I failed at it, I am left free to utilize what creativity I have left in my life. I've avoided believing in the possibility that their was anything left in my heart and mind to contribute to the world, after being stripped of my worthwhile life since my accident. But after 21 years of running away from the creature that I appear to be now after my injuries, there is no where else to run except for back to the creative world in which I lived in prior to my accident.
Turning back to myself s a child is the only way I can invision a bright new world. When I was a teenager, I enjoyed being a great portrait artist. I enjoyed sketching the beautiful features I saw in individuals and strived for perpection. Right after my accident, I could not draw the perfect sketching and it depressed me deeply for years.
My Brain Injury
How do I begin to explain my experience with brain injury? This process really does scare me. I have never been very good at writing. Well, here goes. This is just a short introduciton to my life as it has been affected by my Brain Injury.
My Brain Injury happened, I believe, in the summer of 1990. I am not certain since my injury was not a traumatic brain injury but some sort of process that took its effect on my brain from inside my body. The effect can be seen by the doctors using an MRI and I can tell something happened. But they cannot tell how or why it happened. Since then a lot has happened to me and I am now very glad that I am alive and want to live the remaining part of my life to it's fullest.
As I divided my life before the injury, you have a work portion and a personal portion. I was very successful at both parts of it. At work I was a Vice President of a very good growing corporation doing defense related professional services. My area of responsibility was Information Systems for the corporation itself. Information Systems is a term that encompasses the old concept of Management Information Systems. How can we make use of better systems, now using personal computers, to make out business run more smoothly and efficiently. I joined this company while I was getting my MPA degree from American University. An MPA is a Master in Public Administration. That was the reason that I came to the northern Virginia area back in 1977.
I had graduated from college with an undergraduate degree in Mathematics. As I was about to graduate, I had gotten a job working at Cape Canaveral, where the Space Shuttle is launched today. I sat down and I said do I really want to do this kind of work? The answer was no. So then what did I want to do? I did not know so, I kept going to school. I was accepted at American University and got my MPA in 1981. In late 1980 was when I began my career. I worked hard, very hard, and I was very successful and proud.
The other part of my life, my personal part, was also going very well. I got married to my high school sweetheart in 1976, just before I graduated from college. We then moved north to Arlington Virginia. we had our first son, Matthew in 1984, and our second son, Robert in 1987. Having a family was a great thing. I look back at it and kick myself. I then kick myself again harder. We had a nice house in Arlington Forest. Since we had bought the house without any children and then doubled the size of our family. We then had to add an addition to our house, to double it. That was a great process. I loved being responsible for it.
In 1990 I was appointed, by the White House, to a political appointee position at the State Department. I was going to be a Deputy Assistant Secretary. I never got to do the job with my Brain Injury. Also at this time, my wife said that she had changed and wanted a divorce. So I lost my ability to do my job and my family at about the same time.
When something like this happens to you, you are always your worst judge. You need to back off and take a different look at what is happening. I had always been able to solve things before so why not now! This is not something that happens easily or quickly, but it can happen and does work. I can now look at life and thank God for allowing me to live it every day. I now look at the world in different ways. Yes they are different then it was before my brain injury. But they are good views of the world. I have done many things as my brain injury has given me the time to reexamine my life. I have relearned that riding a bike is a great thing. I bought a new bike, tossing out my old bike that I had bought back in college, and have now gone 4,900 miles on it in the last 18 months. That is something to make you feel proud. I have gone on four mission trips with my church. This summer we went to Guatemala. That was part of the world that I had not seen before and I got a wonderful feeling doing God's work with my hands.
January 26, 1993
"Happiness Is" by Kimberly Marie Johnson
Happiness is something that you can share
Happiness comes when the person you love tells you that they care!
Happiness comes when you finally succeed at the thing you were trying to do or when the person you love does something especially for you!
You will never be able to measure Happiness because there's nothing to compare it to!
You will never be able to see Happiness with a naked eye.
You will never be able to touch it with your bare hands and you won't be able to pack it with rubber bands.
You can only see it and feel it with your heart. Happiness is like a rose it comes and goes, when it happen nobody knows.
This is just some friendly advice, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. You can either tke it or leave it, it's your decision. I think that nobody in this world or in this room should quit or just give up trying. I don't think that you should just let life make it's own course. I think when life gives you a situation that isn't easy to handle, try to make the best of the situation. If you try to do something and you don't succeed, take pride in yourself by thinking that you at least tried. I think quitters are losers because they let all sorts of things happen to them and they'll be sorry when that bad thing is over. Like the saying goes "When life gives us lemons, make lemonade." I personally will never stop believing in the person who I cherish. Do you all know that there is a difference in believing in someone and just believing in what they sya and do? When you believe IN someone you know down deep inside that they can do whatever you ask them to do and you feel comfortable asking them and you have a whole bunch of faith in them. If you simply believe in what they say your belief only goes so far!
You have swept me away, I never want you to go away! I want to be with you 'til the end and I want you to keep being my Best Friend! From the moment we met 'til now you have always had the power to sweep me off my feet and lift me up so high, so high that I could almost touch the sky! You were always there to bring me up when I was feelings down, you always found a way to make me smile when it seemed more natural to frown! You will always have a very special place in my heart, no matter what people say of do they will never be able to tear us apart because I know that we have a very special type of love that nothing can ever rise above! The love I have fopr you is deep and true, there never can be anyone as special as you!
8/11/95
Kimberly M. Johnson
I just finished listening to the book "Good Morning Holy Spirit". The author inspired me to write the following. " I really do believe that I sometimes can hear my Guardian Angel (s). God or the Holy Spirit or all of them at the same time. I sometimes believe that I get the same feeling that the author has, that feeling is that I truly believe that I can feel one of the Holy Spirits or all three inside my body, blessing me, keeping me safe and protecting me from all sins. I thank them with all my heart and soul then I believe I can hear them say in a whisper "We only do that for people who are VERY SPECIAL" at the same time I constantly ask them "Please maek sure that all my Loved ones are always healthy and happy at least 99.9% o fthe time?" I ask them in a whisper so nobody can hear me and think I'm crazy because they might think that I'm talking to myself. I REALLY do believe that I can hear the spirits say, "Don't worry, your prayers are being answered. You r loved ones will always be healthy and happy because they're in good hands and wiil be there forever and a day and they thank you for caring about them so much, for always beign there for them whenever they need someone to talk to who will not judge them by what they're talking about, mostly they thank you for making a special place in your heart that you designed especially for them!
I really do believe that Christopher James Waters and all the other people that I love and deeply care about can hear and feel EVERYTHING I say or do to them, at the same time I believe that I an hear and feel EVERYTHING all my Loved ones do to me or for me like hug me, kiss me or rub my back. I whisper "sweet-nothings" to my loved ones, I whisper so that others can't hear me and think that I lost my mind by talking to no one but nyself, but I'm actually talking to some VERY SPECIAL spirits, that only I can communicate with because noone else has the same strong beliefs. The spirits are extremely special and are a VERY IMPORTANT part of my life. Out of all the people who I deeply care about and aren't in my family Christopher James Waters is #1 on my list. I would do anything for him as long as it was legal and if I was able to do it, I know that he doesn't ask for the impossible. .....Their spirit is always in my mind, my heart and my arms, my arms are filled with love, passion, warmth, protection and security, they will stay there until the END of Time!
When I do believe that I can feel the Holy Spirits blessing me I think that life is worth living having to go through all the ups and downs.
I almost forgot to write that sometimes when I look at the sky I believe that I can see a shadow of God and the other Holy spirits, and when I go for my walk an dhear the birds sing, I truly do believe that they're singing for me and all the people I love and care about deeply because the birds know that We love all their songs!"
Even though Chris and his family moved they are still with me and they will alway be #1 on the list of people that I truly love and care about who aren't in my family! I will remian forever faithful to Mr. Christopher James Waters and I promise with all my heart and soul that I will Never let anyone take the place I made in my heart especially for him. I made that home for Chris and only for Chris, he's the only one allowed to go there!
Who's to say the person who said love is a many splendored thing was right? When you feel that way how do you know if it I true love? You can have a friend who's extrememyl special to you and you might think that what you feel I love, but how can you be sure that it is true love? You can be sure that the love you feel for your family is true. There is a difference in the love you have for your family members and the love you have for people you aren't even related to.
You might think you're almost sure it is love but you can't be absolutely sure especially if that person has a Girlfriend or Boyfriend and if you don't know if it's such a good idea to love that person because you're afraid that you might ruin two relationships at the same time. If you feel safety, security, joy, pleasure and happiness it most likely is love but who's to say you're wrong because it's just a feeling?
If you feel sparks when you kiss that person it probably is love. Don't feel stupid simply because you don't quite know if what you feel is love because everybody has that feeling sometimes. You may feel stupid if you think that you love someone and You never had a Boyfriend or a Girlfriend before and you knowthat person is already taken and you think this might be the boy or girl you were looking for. There are times when even you don't know how you feel about somebody who's special and means alot to you. You also sometimes don't know how to act or treat them when you're around them. I understand how you sometimes feel stupid because I have that feeling almost all the time. Love is a splendored thing if you can find true love in the person you want!
Kimberly Johnson
2/7/93
I think people shouldn't give their friends presents just because they want soemthing in return. They should give presents or other stuff to their friends and expect a simple thanks. When they say thank you I think it's like having a couple million dollars in your pocket and Nobody will be able to touch it with their bare hands or see it with their naked eye, they can only see it and touch it with their heart. They give things to others out of friendship, because they love them, because they care or just because they want to. I also think that when people make stuff for others it means a whole lot more than if htey bought it at a local supermarket because when people make stuff for others it has their creativity in it and it shows that they care enough to take the time to make something just for their friend. When people but the thing at the store it doesn't have that persons caring in it because anyone can go to the store and buy it and it doesn't show that the perosn who gave that thing to the other that they took their time to create something especially for the other person.
People don't need a special occasion to be nice to others and give things to others such as their free time, help, company, affection love, hugs or kisses. They can do that anytime out of the kindness of their heart. They don't have to have a reason. They should only feel like sharing. I 'm saying this because I don't want and I don't expect anything in return. All I want and all I expect is the other person to say thank you and that will be quite enough to last quite a while.
Who am I?
Sleeping
In the middle of the night
Thinking certain thoughts
Remebering
Hearing certain muic
Reading certain words
Wishing for changes
In me
and reaching out for my core
In myself
For me.
Frankie Liles September 11, 1994
If I could affect others, I would tell them that the most important way my brain injury hs affected me is to make me slow down, or it has slowed me down, but not by choice. Because of my slower life, my priorities have changed, and I have ha dtime to look closer at the world around me and the people around me. I have not been very impressed. I am, however, able to do and accomplish things more important for myself and for tohers with the change in priorities that I have seen in my new life. I have also had the time to grow more spiritually.
I have also been frustrated by the way that family, friends, and strangers have treated me. I believe that they have denied what has happened to me. I don't recall even one person telling me that they were sorry about my injuries. No one has asked me what it is like to have a brain injury. No one has tried to inform themselves or has asked what they can do to help.
Frankie Liles
October 4, 1995
10/5/95
Hi my Rich
This is of my BRAIN INJURY. IT HAPPENED IN 1990. I was in the navy, I was vomiting everything I ait The Doctor,s couldn't. figure out what was going on, my commanders told me IT,s IN YOUR HEAD MCCLENIC, go back to the baricks...I was home on leave I was ordered to see a DR. while on leave..I went to Walter Reed, a army hospital. The DR did allot of blood test and others nothing camp..the last test she ran a cat scan, nothing shoed up. I stayed they ran more test still nothing..SO I was transferred to BETHESDA HOSPITLE (NAVAL HOSP).
To make a long story short a DR ran a M.R.I. AND FOUND A BRAIN TUMOR THEY DID MY SURGERY...1990...
Hurricane, tornado, moonsoon
I'm tumbling about
battered and torn
whirl, whirl, whirl
round and round
Topsy turvy
bonk, bang, bonk
tired, dragging, decrepit
destruction and scattered debris
Remnants from the past
strewn on tomorrows path
Constellations clearly lit
star bright
moon beam
perfect order of the galaxies
A map of your future
A OUIJA board in the sky
which way?
Follow Orion's belt!
No, the Big Dipper!
Which way?
too many crossroads
too few roadsigns
Donna Mayer
Racing past tall green Boxwoods
searching for the sunlit pathway
an opening in these wirey schrubs
Leading to Freedom and relief
From entrapment.
The thirst for release
is overwhelming, all encompassing
where's the light?
That hidden secret sunlit path
Will I even find it?
Is it really there?
I'm floundering inside this gigantic human mze
Disoriented, Dazed, and Discouraged
L O S T
The light...
The Open Door...
Where?
When?
Maybe raindrops will cool my sweaty brow
And wet my parched tongue
Ah...momentary relief
a mirage?
Exhaution brings me to my knees
So here I must rest until tomorrow
Perhaps at dawn I'm more likely to find the way
OUT of this hellish labyrinth
Running.
Where?
No! No! No!
Running.
away.
No! No! No!
Running.
Here.
There.
No! No! No!
Running.
anywhere.
But Here.
No! No! No!
Donna Mayer
I have no brain injury but I am aware.
The more I learn the less I find I knew.
Before my work I never opened my eyes
The admiration I have for survivors at the will and spirit to achive
So many different people from all different backgrounds
So many different inquiries
I see the unwillingness of chagne in society
The independence and the dependence
frustration and exceleration
The sharing and isolation of the people I work with and myself
The friends I made the friends I don't talk to anymore
SOMETIMES my job becomes so hard
All the time my job is the most completely satisfying and ***job
The looks we get amaze me
The distance away I have to keep a wall between I lose myself in the people
Twenty four months ago is when it all started with me. While attending a tennis intructors class, I had a head injury which caused my brain to short circuit. My memory is shot, a great deal of my muscular and speech functions have been injured to the point where its tough to communicate with others. Often I can't remember what's happened and I just have to quietly review what happened to rpevent this from happening again and more severely. I'm very much looking forward to help myself get better. Most of the people around me in work and entertainment just don't understand what has happened to me. my job and career have been strengthened toward a greater commitment. I'm very delighted my injury is not as severe as it has been with others and I am very much looking forward to getting better and sooner. My wife and the staff at Madison Center have been most helpful to me in getting better. And I have to get better as soon as possible!
Writing this short essay is odd, because the focus is supposed to be my friendship with a man who has survived a traumatic head injury. Yet, how is that different from writing about friendship in general?
My relationship with Steve is the same as with all my close friends. We met, in our case, some time before we became freinds. I remember standing next to him while he got inot a car and just saying hello. He said hello back, but he was busy and did not notice me. The next time we saw each other, he asked a favor, but in many ways, he asked me to be a friend. I said sure, and it was only after a couple of phone calls and trips that I realized I enjoyed his company and seemd to enjoy mine.
In many (if not most) ways, he is like any friend I've ever had. We're both a little crazy. We know each other's good points and bad points. We enjoy the good points and work to change the bad ones in each other. We bought the whole package. We eat with each other, work out with each other, watch movies with each other, pray with each other, and talk on the phone with each other.
Yet Steve is not like other friends. His head injury is severe, and it's not going away. It's his cross to bear, and if I'm Simon of Cyrene for him, I can only help carry that cross so far (as he tries to help me with mine). And I do share in his injury in a small degree. I lug the walker. I help him upstairs. I may fiil out a check, address a letter. I listen tohis complaints and try to understand. But he has inteligence and wit, not rancor and bitterness, and that cements us in each other's lives.
I asked my spiritual director once, "Why did God bring this man into my life?"
He replied, "You'll find out."
I probably will.
As a "professional" working with survivors, I find that I am both recharged and drained by my interaction
Recharged-because I am amazed on a daily basis by the triumphs of my clients-successes that most people would take for granted. I am able to live life more fully with husband and children because of the interaction I've had with survivors.
Drained-because there's so much need and so little I-as one person-cna do to address that need. Basic human rights are a hurdle for many survivors-and I don't know how to change the system that ignores those rights. On these days both my head and heart hurt when I go home at night.
Talking to/working with people w/TBI reminds me that we are all individuals and that I need to really hear people instead of assuming I know their stories.
My brain injury story is a tumor. I could affectively tell them (the Dr's) to stuff it.
My future are to plans, goals and dreams
I am grateful.
I am thankful.
I am about my limitations
My brain injury happened on 6/18/94 when I was on my way home from work in _____ in Springfield. Some jerk hit me broad side. Mom took him to court but didn't get anything because the judge said I was stopped in the wrong spot. At first I was taken to Fairfax hospital where I spent the first three months of my recovery. I was in a coma the whole time that I was a patient at Fairfax hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware. I was in a coma the first two months that I was there. I had surgery many times but I only remember the two operations on my left foot. The surgery where I had my wisdom teeth cut out, the three operations on my eyes, the first one was both eyes done in Delaware, the second was done after I was out of the hospital but my doctor only operated on one eye, the same doctor operated on both eyes about a year after the second one. I was seeing two of everything, the operations were supposed to help me not to see double all the time. the operations heped for a little while then I wnet back to seeing two of everything but I can cope with double vision because I'm smart enough to realize that I always see double so I know that there's jsut one. The doctor who did the second and third operation on my eyes told me that I would have to have an operation on my eyes every year for the rest of my life.
I don't know this for a fact but I think that since my injury I have become more emotional and more spiritual but I do know for a fact that I have changed physically. I think I've become more emotional because before I was in the hospital I don't think I realized how important it is to have someone there always looking out for you and mostly loving you, now that I am aware of that I have become more spiritual because even though I'm "alone", meaning that I'm the one there that people can "see" with their eyes, I can see with four. Of my senses I can tell certain people who die. _____ to me with my eyes and my heart and I can feel them hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand and I can hear them whispering in my ear that they love me just the way I am, when think are going the wrong way I can walk even though is not the greatest.
My goal is to live by myself, get a job that I'm please with and get pared really well. I don't mind seeing double because I found a way to cope with it and alot more, seeing double is sometimes Good and sometimes bad but I can black out the red visions
To me life is a blur because I have no idea of what I should do and life after a brain injury is like a roller coaster having it's ups and downs and sometimes you get stuck either up or down and it's a little hard to stay on an even level. I myself sometimes get stuck in the positions, when I'm down it might be my insecurities shwoing through or I get frustrated with life in general sometimes wish I were dead because I feel asif I'm in the way of everybody in my family, instead of the time I don't like the way they try to help me, I think htat they sometimes think that in my accident I lost everything including my mind, my feeling, my soul, my sense of trying and so much more. I sometimes tyr to look on the bright side by knowing I am still able to make freinds of both sexes, think for myself, speak for myself, choose which person gets to hear my deepest dreams, thoughts, emotions, and some of the secrets about myself. Those are the reasons why i'm grateful but on the other hand I'm ungrateful because I have a visual impairment. I'm not able to balance myself really well and I can't become a brain surgeon because of my balance and vision, I know that it is not fair to mess up someone's life by messing up on the operation. I sometimes am thankful with the way people treat me, some bend over backwards to make things easier for me but I think they do it it too much, they treat me like I'm a baby who can't do anything.
I very often get frustrated with my limitations because I watch people do things that I used to be able to do. I sometimes wish I could do that but I start thinking that I can do other things that others can't do like write poetry, find a good part of everything and everyone, read between the lines and more. I feel as if I have a new calling in life but I'm not sure about what it is yet. I do think that my calling is to help bring people up when life is bringing them down and that I can help people love again, if I can get them to love enough there won't be anything they can't do, I know that I can help them find love even in thoe things/people that they can't stand. I think my calling is to help TBI survivors find beauty in everything under the sky. I get frustrated with other people who think they know all of my limitations then give me soemthing to do that I'm not able to do. When I try and mess up they make a big deal out of it and insult me or cuss at me or say worse things. If they understood as much as they think they do, they wouldn't get so upset.
I realize that some of this I sout of order and doesn't make sense but it's just how I feel and my feelings sometimes don't make sense to anybody including myself.
October 7, 1995
My life was perfect. I used to be perfect. I mean not perfect but I was a good looking guy. I was good in school. But my reading level was not up to my age. I was in LD classes.
I took a lot of gym classes because I loved sports and I took weight lifting class. In 11th grade I was weighing 121 pounds but bench pressing 145 pounds. I used to love the beach because I could show off my body and I usde to get very tan.
Then I started in 9th grade to have these thoughts about hurting myself. In 10th grade, I started drinking. When I got drunk the first couple of months, I really liked the feeling but then I just started to get depressed. I planned it all out how I was going to hurt myself.
Then I totally lost it and I did it. I crashed my car into a sewer pipe that sticks out of the ground. Pretty close to one of my friends house. My intentions were....school was getting too hard. At the time I would think I wanted to hurt myself, I'd go to hospital, all my friends would feel bad for me and I would be fine.
There is an enigma inside me
It lets in the light at times
Yet it is usually suspended in the dark.
Certainly the tree of life lives within me.
A spectrum of emotions dance themselves awake
Anger, loneliness, frustration, hope, gratefulness
I look to the sky with an eye of hope.
Yet I rain stories of tears with the pain of the earth
I feel most others don't believe.
______ I see just as snakes with their forked tongues
they say one thing yet mean another.
They want success for me yet I want to evaporate into the earth and disappear
Success for me or success for them.
What do I want?
I WANT PEOPLE TO LEAVE ME ALONE
I don't want people /things intrude into my life/skull.
If I must live in my own living hell
Let me walk my walk
Let me talk my talk
At least I will walk my talk
That the inside of me sheds its leaves
almost like multiple personalities
the light and dark show themselves.
That enigma inside me slowly bleeds me free.
Write about your experiences, what life has been like since your head injury:
I don't know.
There's nothing to say.
Emotionally: Bad, depressed, angry, happy
Kmart is good. It was good to go back there and it was good to be there working.
Living.
I was happy at Kmart. And the people and the manangers. Burt. Happy.
Sarah. 13. Terror.
Sometimes grateful for the change in my life.
Alive. Mind works.
I survived.