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This art piece was created by three members of the Wild Oats Head Injury Support Group in Boulder. The composition directly portrays one group's experience of life after sustaining traumatic brain injury (TBI).
This group is unique as it consists of three women who walked away from an auto accident with traumatic brain injury(TBI) and didn't know it for months to years. Their focus is on the Now and Hope. The woman located in the bottom left hand corner rises from the depths of the ocean, representing the transformative powers of the goddess within. She is alone in her struggles to break away from her tethers of neurotic craziness, symbolized by the rope around her neck. She feels she must embrace her shadow to be free from its confines. The turtle has broken the strains of her limitations. As she reaches up, her red hair flows across the composition as it becomes the rays of the sun. Her hair represents the wild confusion involved with accepting the new self after TBI. Her hair flows with grace across the composition. She offers to the unknown with her right hand and receives with her left, an essential part of the process of life. Although she feels helpless at times, numb with anxiety and denial, she expresses great relief from a correct diagnosis: traumatic brain injury. She looks above to the sun, intuitively knowing that the sun supports her inner wisdom. She emerges from below, releasing the Dragon, Pegasus and Toucan Bird. The Dragon Puff symbolizes the anger and rage that come from the places deep within and show themselves today. The Pegasus represents the transformation that is possible through the process of rising above the critical depths. The Toucan Bird represents the new freedom and richness of color that is also possible. The sun, painted light and darkpurples, is held by the yin yang symbol that represents the opposites that are always present in life. Boundaries are broken, not only by challenging the two-dimensions of the center canvas, but form crosses the boundaries of the initial inner canvas edges. The group saw clearly that breaking their personal boundaries was essential in their lives today.
Living with my brain injury has been the most diificult thing I've had to experience in my entire life. There are so many aspects of coping that I will see what happens as I begin writing and whatever comes up is what I will share.
One of the most painful aspects of dealing with the new Gretchen has been the effect noise has on me. Specifically, I am unable to spend the amount of time around my nieces and nephews that I would like. It's so painful to love these kids so much and yet feel the urgency to shut myself off by going on a walk because I can't deal with all the excitement that is the joy of what kids are all about. I'm unable right now to filter the sound of loud voices, the TV, music, movies and various other things. These things exhaust me to the point of having to take a nap and crash for awhile. It's so painful to want to spend time with my family and know that right now I can't even though I know that I 'm improving every day. The reality is that at times I run out of patience and that's when I usually get fatigued and frustrated. I want at times to have part of my old self back so that I won't have to deal with all this frustration. Then at other times I feel I'm the most blessed person on the planet. The yo-yo effect of the emotional rollercoaster sometimes drives me insane and other times I have to just laugh.
Most of the time, I can cope with the difficulties of my shortcomings since my accidents. Sometimes I just get so angry, though. I'm recalling several times when I will put a book, or my keys, or wome money in a "certain, special, place" so that I can remember where I put them, and then totally forget where they are. Meanwhile I can spend hours looking for them or even days. At times I totally forget about it, then months later something will show up and I will be pleasantly surprised. The small pleasures of being able to let go so easily and yet get upset so easily at the same experience in one's life.
Fatigue is another difficult area of my life that I struggle with almost daily. If I'm tired I know that I will get irritated over seemingly nothing. So it's a challenge to get my rest even when I feel like going all day. Siince I have this love for life, I'm always trying to check in with myself to see where I'm at as far as my fatigue level goes. At times I feel like Doctor Jeckle and Mr. Hyde! And...most of the times I can catch myself before I get unreasonable and then "Puff" (in the magic dragon) stays at bay. Other times, "Puff" comes out in full force and then all hell breaks loose and I get really angry. So now, the wonderfully, amazing, transformation that has happened since my head injury. I can actually say that I feel like a much more whole person now. I feel so much more in touch with myself then I ever have in my entire life. I'm much better at taking care of myself. I'm much more calm and peaceful. My belief in myself is so much more than it used to be prior to the accident. I listen to my body to give me answers now instead of ignoring the wise woman inside me. I'm very sensitive and have much more compassion for people than I used to. I'm more honest with myself and more open to discovering all the different parts of myself, including the dark shadow I once disdained. I feel like an old wise woman who knows the answers to her questions. The feminine side of myself is stronger and stronger. And the spiritual side of myself has totally blossomed. I feel in many ways I'm a much better person than before. Then again, as I heal and grow stronger every day I learn to embrace all of who I am because that's what I'm all about. All the different sides of me are who I am now, totally with some of the old side and lots of the new side. I love all of who I am and celebrate my differences within myself. I am constantly surprised with myself. It's such a joy to be lighter and more kind and loving to myself. After all, I've been there enough now that it makes no sense to "get down on myself" for my short comings. Life is easier in many ways and difficult in other ways. I focus on the positive and the magic that keeps happening in my life. I beleive that I will be able to support myself someday. It may not be right now, but I know that my life I going to be changing drastically in the next few years. I can feel it and I believe that I will be alright soon. It's been a long haul and now it's time for things to get better. Yippee! I look forward to the goodness and newness that this new Gretchen has to offer and I look forward with jest at the limitless possiblities that I see ahead of me. I find that the more positive I feel and think, the better my life gets. It's amazing how simply I live and how nice it is to live in the now; the present. Whenever I start projecting into the future I get anxious and I crash. It's interesting how so many people spend their entire lives trying to live in the present and just do it without even thinking about it. It's almost as if the gift of my head injury has pushed me years ahead of where I thought I would be now. The irony of it all is that I really do have a beginner's mind now and that has happened without choice. It's almost as if I'm starting over again-and the more I trust in the healing process, the more magic happens in my life. It's this thing called love and surrender. The more I surrender, the more love comes into my life. the more I give, the more I receive.
The healing process is moving right along, and with the support of friends and family I am getting better and better as time goes by. I'm looking forward to living life totally and beyond my head injury.
042093,
I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with our much awaited daughter. I didn't know she was a she at the time, but I had this feeling. I was taking my work papers back to the office and stopped ina line of 4 cars when #5, a pickup truck kept on coming. the truck stopped after crashing into my car.
I don't remember being hit. I remember knowing I was going to get hit. I saw the truck coming. I remember being confused after. I couldn't figure out how to get out of the car or if I should get out of the car. I was help out by someone who lived across the street from the accident. He asked me if I wanted to use the phone. I called the office so they could come get the papers. I suppose I appeared exacting and efficient. How could I explain how discombobulated I felt? I "knew" I must be fine. But there was this eerie unreal quality to everything. I remember not wanting to admit something was wrong.
I made really dumb decisions after the wreck. I diidn't go to the nearest hospital. I was afraid they'd insist on taking X-rays and it would hurt the baby. I drove 40 miles away to the one where the midwife had priveliges as I felt safer there.
My mask is that I have to be strong and tough. No one can find out that I'm weak, hurt or not 100%. that hurt me more than admitting I wasn't thinking properly. My ability to think changed. I used to have a high IQ and I was really bright. after the wreck I seemed to rely on old information rather than formulating knew ways of thinking or thoughts. I used to be able to ????and be witty and debate well. after the wreck that changed. I used to be able to handle a bunch a stress. Afterwards, I'd lose my cool with hardly anything going on.
My spelling and writing changed. I made lots of mistakes. Sometimes I would immediately see them. Sometimes not. Spelling was, at one time, a strength. Nomore-will I know how to spell damn near anything still but when I'm writing I have to take greater care that I don't switch letters around or drop letters of invert like "b" for "p".
I mess up my mords when speaking or lose words of can't think of words I want to say or use words that don't have the meaning I intend. It's not like it's "on the tip of my tongue" either-it's NOT there.
Many people have said, when I try to explain the symptoms of this mild closed brain injury. "Oh, I do that" or " I forget what I'm doing too" or "Everyone forgets/gets distracted" but how can I get them to see this is different? that one day I was a hot shot and the next day I was mediocre? One day I was in B boards and the next day I should've resigned if I'dve had any sense. That I still think I can slay all & everyone else's dragons? But when I try it, I lose it, crash!
I'm not the high producer I used to be. What do I do with that creative spirit I stiil alive?
So the therapists say that "????" is from the childhood stuff. So what? It's still there. the need to do good in the world, the need to make the world a better place than it is now. I suppose that's why I'm a nurse. To do good. But if washing the dishes wears me out. If I can't cook because I burn it from getting distracted. If I hurt all the time what good can I do. The therapists think (they all do this to their clients) that I think "what good am I if I can't do good." What I really think is there is so little time left to do good in, I'm frustrated that I can't do what I'd planned to do now. Lif is short and there is great need out there. I've struggled with the thinking that "I" was who was doing good. I 've learned thru this that my being is merely a conduct for good works of the angels to manifest on earth. And all this time I thought it was me! ME! ME! ME! I was a part of the "me" generation. So much for that.
My goal ow is to listen carefully for the indicators. What is next? Where do I go from here to prepare this body and soul for spiritual work (the work of the spiritual world) R.S. (paraphrased) wrote Benjamin Franklin did not discover electricity or bifocals. It was already discovered. He wa simply the victor who brought the knowledge to the material earth. If he'd not done it someone else would've. That's what I mean. The freudian ego has learned humility thru this brain injury. Now the next task is gratitude. But the first ws, besides getting thru every day, to see the gift in the tragedy. Thats hard. Id've never seen it beyond intellectually if Id've not been hit. NO ONE has the right to say "Well thats why you were hit, then." that is violation of someone's very being for anyone else to presume they can see someone else's "karma." There is o one alive that can see all. Although here in Boulder there are many who would so presume.
It was frustrating to deal with Kaiser (HMO) Drs. There is NO excuse for the lack of follow thru exhibited. Their way to deal with patients seems to tell the pt. You can't find anything wrong. 80% of all complaints resolve anyway." But I didn't bet any better. I got worse. When I complained to the Chief of staff at Kaiser he just did the "Cover our as two steps. It figures...All this talk about allocation of resources, the debate between Allopathic (mainstream) & Alternative. The "new" desire of some mainstream HMO's to get a piece of the Alternative medicine's Pie. One Internal Medicine Dr. even suggested I take Yoga with my Prozac. I needed Prozac, she said because I was depressed. I said " take away my pain by removing the cause." My spine and surroundig tissues were unflamed from tears and bruising. I couldn't sit because of the fractured tailbone I couldn't interact because I couldn't remember things like who called? what did they say? where did I hurt yesterday?
Mainstream had no answers except drugs and surgery. mainstream physical tX did ot recognize an overload, organism stressed to the maximum pt ( or if they did recognize they didn't know how to be supportive.
No case management! & no way to get it. I knew what I needed I just couldn't figure out the maze. I was still in shock. How could anybody work after this kind of thing happened to them? It was impossible fatigue due to brain Injury. all I could do was stay in bed. I was screaming (literally) for quiet-Too much noise (the sound of the refridgerator, heat going on/off, the flourescent lite beem. The wood floor creak. The children....STOP STOP STOP. MAKE THE SOUND STOP.
Can't they (all) see how miserable I am. Everything hurt's -it all hurts. GO AWAY GO AWAY, you're asking too much. Don't touch me it hurts. Get away from me. Leave me alone. Why do you keep dong this to me. No I can't! (do what you're asking me) Why do you keep asking me? Can't you see how miserable I feel? Get them away from me. Take them somewhere- don't come back. Why did you ahve to come back. Why couldn't you have stayed away longer. Leave me alone. Why didn't you think of me and what I might need?
I don't give a shit if you're sick your always sick. I'm sick of taking care of people. Take care of yourself. If you'd take care of yourself you wouldn't have gotten sick. It's your own fault. I don't want to take care of anybody ever again I want you to leave me alone. Go away. stay away. I hurt don't touch me. Can't you see how miserable I am.
This was how and what I said for 18 months. I'm better now. I don't lose it when the kids come home from school anymore (Tomatis) I don't get blinding/throbbing headaches anymore (chiropractor) I understand the true origin of my rage now (PSYCHOTHERAPY) and "???" (psychotherapy)
I understand the limits of mainstream medicine as practiced in HMO's (kaiser) and the beauty of true compassion in mainstream medicine (independent internal medicine practioner) mainstream medicine mysogyny (Mapleton physiatrist). & big bucks BIG time conglomerates (many) Good intentions, poor folow thru (lots, even "alternative health practitioners")
Lawyers-They get paid 1st compassion in Government (soc. Sec disability came thru) and a lady at Public services paid our past due balance for us anonymously. There are angels working through us! Blessed are these human beings who trust themselves enough to allow that angelic work.
Those of us who've suffered with brain injuries msut educate the insurance co. Doctors (all kinds, health practitioners, lawyers, therapists and each other. a neurosurgeon told me researchers strap dogs into "cars" and then crash them into "brick" walls. Euthanize them and autopsy them. In the brain muscles, nerves, cartilage, etc, they (researchers) find microscopic tears and if dog allowed to live for awhile, scar tissue. This is simple mechanical engineering & physics. These "tears" are the mild traumatic brain injury. It's what causes "diffuse brain damage "its what causes loss of "pre-morbid goals". I was going to go to medical school. I guess not now.
I'm now starting to create new goals. They will be inflluenced by my history in all spheres of my life of course but mostly by what I've learned since the brain injury and because of the brain injury. I'm much more empathic now. I've seen and felt compassion of others toward me even when I was at my worst. I wil be and am now understanding compassionate of others more than before. Most importantly I've dang near got the unconditional love thing down pat now (HA HA) Well, at least I recognize it in myself when its absent!
I'm not sure if I'l continue in nursing. I'm worried I'll mess up MD orders and hurt someone. But part of me says there are lots of impaired nurses out there. Heck most people on the planet have some sort of impairment and many don't even know it.